


The Lost Unicorn

by Toastiel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 14:51:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5590351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toastiel/pseuds/Toastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Voldemort acting chlidish? A unicorn plush? What's the connection? Read and find out....</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lost Unicorn

**Author's Note:**

> Pure crack.

_**The Adventures of Lord Voldemort and His Merry Death Eaters** _

From reading the books and watching the movies we all know what goes on with the good guys on a typical day-to-day basis. What we don't know (and the question that keeps us all up at night) is: What about the evildoers? Well, fear no longer for I am here to answer your questions.

**The "Lost" Unicorn**

The sun shone brightly in the crystal azure sky and white wisps of clouds floated lazily upon the breeze. In a small town just north of Bathe, England, where two mountains met to form a valley, the birds chirped and the sounds of children's laughter filled the air as they ran around, playing games that only small children could understand. It was indeed the perfect picture of happiness. All of the homes in this area were old and traditional, with two stories, white picket fences, and perfect green lawns. All were clean and tidy, painted pastel pinks, yellows, blues, and greens with white shutters and latticed banister verandas. All, that is, except one.

On the northern edge of the town was a hill on which stood a large house - mansion, rather - made of gray river rock from the near-by falls. The doors were large, reaching ten feet in height, and made of a dark mahogany wood hinged with wrought iron. The windows were high and arched, making the home seem much more like a fairy tale castle that it truly was. These windows made it possible to count at least six floors though there was no way of knowing how many levels of dungeons were concealed below.

Around and to the left of this fine estate lay a graveyard. There, dozens of monuments and headstones stood, marking the resting-places of those with the misfortune of being buried beneath them. The light of an upstairs window shone just a brightly, casting out this silhouette of a tall, menacing creature. This was the one place the children weren't allowed to go.

The clouds darkened overhead and thunder sounded. The air grew cold and the wind began to howl through the bare trees. Winter was descending her icy gloved hand to touch the earth and blanket it in white.

"I hate white!"

The figure - a man - growled these words fiercely as he took a seat atop a polished oak desk, midnight black robes billowing around him for added effect.

"It's cold, so it should be black," He pouted, huffing through the lipless mouth, garnet eyes gleaming. " _Wormtail_!" He bellowed.

A short, pudgy man scampered in. He was rat-like in appearance with large front teeth and beady eyes. He bowed his balding head low and stuttered a few words to properly address his 'Master'. "Y-yes, milord," He sniveled, fiddling with his wand.

"I'm bored. Let's go out," the first man, Voldemort, hissed, standing up and moving towards the door.

"But Master, it's light out." a voice protested from the shadows. A wisp of blond hair immediately betrayed the man's identity.

"I realize that, Lucius, but even an evil dark lord such as I needs a spot of sunshine every few decades of so."

"You'll frighten the children."

"Good. They need to be frightened of the Dark Lord Voldemort."

"You'll get sunburn."

"I'll wear my hood up," he growled, quickly tiring of this little game his followers were playing "Now stop making excuses! let's go!"

"What about…"

Lucius quickly halted his words due to his quick maneuvering to avoid a potentially nasty curse, courtesy of Voldemort.

"Wormtail, fetch Mr. Fluffers…err, I mean, Mr. Man-Eating-Unicorn-of-Doom and we'll be on our way," Voldemort stated pleasantly enough as he folded his arms across his chest. This made him appear every bit the spoiled brat he was. Wormtail scampered away as a fourth figure emerged from the shadows.

"My Lord, you know as well as the rest of us that you cannot brave the light of day." The voice emitted from the darkness was smooth, silky…

"Oh? And why can I not 'brave the light of day', Severus?"

"Because, sire, vampires burn in sunlight," He stated matter-of-factly. An awkward silence descended upon the room and then…

" _For the last damn time! I am_ **not** _a vampire!_ " The sconces shook in their holders and a small, dusty picture that was long forgotten fell from the mantel. "Vampires have fangs…and lips," Voldemort pouted, crossing his arms sulkily.

At that moment Wormtail scampered back into the room, a look of complete terror on his pudgy, dirt-smudged face. " My Lord?" he stuttered, voice all aquiver.

"What is it Wormtail?" Voldemort gazed down at Wormtail as though searching for something. "Where is Mr. Flu- I mean, Mr. Man-Eating-Unicorn-of-Doom?" Murder shone in his eyes; there seemed to be no unicorn plush on Wormtail's person.

"T-that's what I wanted to speak with you about, sir." He took a step back to avoid the blow he knew was coming. "He's gone and…and I can't find him!"

A silence fell over the room, a silence so complete you could imagine you heard the Dark Lord's heart break. He turned on his heel and fled to his private chambers, bawling like a small child. Lucius, Severus and Wormtail were left alone in the main parlor, completely dumbstruck by their master's behavior. Slowly, the three men moved into the study, taking seats by the fireplace to recover from the shock.

Not much later, Voldemort descended the stairs in a flurry of black robes and blacker fury. He was muttering something about 'cleaning up' and 'organization'. He had already trashed his private chambers and the upstairs study in search of his precious Mr. Fluffers.

A loud hiss was heard from the stairs followed by a yelp and a rather long string of curses of the non-magical variety. A loud thud followed, coming from the ground floor and the tree men that had previously been relaxed in the downstairs study rushed to check on their master.

As they reached the bottom of the stairs they found the source of the noise. Voldemort and his worthless pet snake, Nagini, lay in a crumpled heap in the foyer. Apparently, in his haste to recover the plush toy, the infamous Dark Lord had not seen the snake slumbering on the steps and had tripped over its bloated body. (Nagini _had_ been taking her after-supper nap, after all.)

Being the loyal suck-ups Death Eaters are, they moved to help their master back to his feet. Soon, however, they regretted this course of action. He moved from room to room hacking apart furniture and throwing things willy-nilly in search of his beloved.

The men headed back up the stairs, shaking their heads in disgust and disbelief. At moments they forgot why they even followed this man-child of a wizard. They remembered rather quickly, though, after a bit of complex spell dodging, that he would kill them if they had refused.

Two hours passed as they took refuge in the upstairs study, sipping wine and discussing, half-heartedly, the things rich wizards do, such as politics, vacationing, and finances. They had lost count, or perhaps just quite counting, the number of times they had noticed their master rush past the doorway, still in search of Mr. Fluffers.

"Wormtail, something's been bothering me," Lucius drawled lazily. A window had held him in rapt attention for the past quarter hour, but now he turned his gaze upon the rat-like man.

"Yes?" He squeaked, tensing just as he was settling into a particularly comfortable velvet wing-backed chair.

"What _did_ happen to that stupid unicorn?"

Wormtail relaxed a bit, chuckling lightly. "Oh, it's on his dresser. I'm just waiting for him to look up and notice it. I want to be there when he realizes he's been searching for that stupid thing for three hours for no reason…and the sun's already set!" Impressed by his own genius, he allowed his chuckle to jump to a full-fledged cackle. A soft baritone from Lucius soon joined him, followed by the ever enigmatic, silky smooth chuckle from Severus in the corner.

After the laughter had died down, several moments passed in content silence. Finally, they heard what they knew would come; the high-pitched squeal of glee followed by the even higher-pitched, " **Mr. Fluffers**!"


End file.
